esther's journal-2

WEDNESDAY, September 13: Today was a full day of new-student orientation. I’ve been doing this, here, at The Winnipesaukee School for longer than I ever thought I would, but the thing that sticks with me is the bitter sweetness of it. These kids being sent out, on their own, at 13 and 14. Some need it, I suppose. But kids are gone soon enough. No need to let them go this soon. I know for some families it’s a cultural thing – family-wise: one or both parents went away; it’s what they do. But the arrival of the new students still seems a bit sad, to me. Almost as thought they’ve been orphaned or adopted out. Maybe I’m just projecting. But it still tugs at my heartstrings.

I was especially captured by a new freshman – Jamie Sorts. He had the bluest eyes, cerulian, and one of those shaggy hairdos that private school kids wear. He couldn’t’ve been more than 4-foot-10. He seemed so lost; the first time I came upon him, he was crying, quietly. I asked him how he was doing and he bravely wiped his eyes and said, “OK.” I shook his hand and introduced myself. I wanted to hug him and hold him. Can’t. Couldn’t. Didn’t. I pointed him in the direction of his dorm and watched him walk off. I made a mental note that he would be my fall project: Jamie Sorts.

There’s this thing at boarding school – in loco parentis. It means in the place of parents. Some of us, when things get tough, just refer to it as us being loco. But I think that’s why I stayed all these years. I like the parenting aspect. I thrive on that. It’s different than at a day school, certainly different than at a public school.

Anyway, that was the highlight of my day – Jamie Sorts. Last year it was Annie Duvon. She’s a sophomore, now. I saw her, today, too. She doesn’t need me so much, anymore. At least not right now.

I got a call from my doctor, today, too. He wants to do more tests. I’m not so sure about that, about those. Right now, I’m thinking not. I’ve seen the x-rays and they look pretty black and white to me – figuratively, too. He did say I need to start telling friends and people at the school about the time bomb that’s ticking. There might come a time, he said, when I start blanking out or blacking out and people need to know. I hadn’t said anything, yet, also because of where I am. This is a small, cloistered community. Nothing stays secret for long, no matter how hard you try. And the last thing I need is some sort of pity parade. So, I’m thinking on that.

Meanwhile, the big issue this year – one of the big issues – is kids wearing hats in the Walker – the cafeteria. We’ve wrestled with it for years, now. Is it rude? Should we allow it? Teachers are split. Me? I’m not sure, yet. It seems like a small thing, but maybe not. I think 10 years ago it would’ve meant more to me. A big hard blob expanding in your brain changes your perspective on things.

Oh, yes, I made this decision, today, too: I want to have sex, again. It’s been a while. I’m not going to say how long. But it’s been some time. Now, saying I’m going to have sex and actually doing it, out here, in the middle reaches of New Hampshire, is quite another thing. But it’s a goal. We’ll see. At one time I was quite the seductress. At least in my own mind.