esther's journal-3

THURSDAY, September 14: We went on hike, today, with the new students – and the old. A bonding affair. We do something like it every fall. It sometimes seems artificial – at least in the planning. But the actual event ends up being quite nice. The weather was a bit chilly for this time of year. I found myself getting rather winded, even though the hike was not at all strenuous. Of course, my mind wandered back to me, to my situation. It does get tiring, always being on guard, trying to avoid the “doomsday” mindset. It’s not easy. But being outside helped. I’ve always loved the hills of New Hampshire. I grew up in suburban Connecticut, but this has become my home. I do find myself hoping to be able to see one more fall. The autumns are glorious. But enough, already, about that.

I sidled up to a new sophomore on the hike. Her name is Andie. She trailed the pack. I struck up a conversation. She’s from New Jersey. Never been away from home, not even for a summer camp, which is quite odd. Many boarding school students are veterans of sleep-over situations. Andie said she was OK, but she wasn’t. She had on this brave smile that broke my heart. I wanted to take her and hug her, but didn’t, for two reasons. One, it was too soon. And, two: I wasn’t sure if I would’ve been doing it for her or for me. Truth be told, Dear Diary, I haven’t been hugged for a while. I could’ve used one. But we talked. I think it helped her.

Tonight, I started making a list of things I wanted to do, before you-know-what. I decided to try to list one thing a day. I know there are constraints: there’s no timetable for my last breath. But I figured it would be a good thing to do. So, here’s the first one: write a love letter. I know, I know – to whom? Well, to no one, in particular, probably. I’ve not been a great lover. I was married; I’ve had relationships. But I don’t think I’ve ever really written a “love” letter. So, I will. Not tonight, though. I need to think on it. But soon.

Oh, one more thing. I’ve also decided to learn how to skate – ice skate. Nicky Kono, the school’s hockey coach, is taking me this weekend. He owes me. I’ll tell you why, later.